Everyday is exactly the same…
Wake up, routine, do your thing, then back to sleep. I keep being told to make whatever my thing is I’m doing while awake, makes me happy and feel alive. It’s not that easy when everything we do costs money. I feel that it's more of a mindset switch to learning how to make money doing something I find the most joy in. Or learning to love what it is I am currently doing. I don’t really enjoy cardio machines because just running in place for 30 minutes bores the hell out of me… I’d rather do 3 of them for 10 mins each. When I start feeling complacent I feel real anxious and other things in my life suffer. Like I sleep too much, stop exercising, feel depressed. All I can think to get out of it when I feel like this is to move. Then I do and feel better for a bit then it cycles back. Now I’m thinking instead of a move, maybe it's something else I change, like my job, what I’m doing, who I am surrounding myself with. Someone told me once, start with changing your hair or get a tattoo, or change up the decorations and living arrangements in your home. Those are all great examples of things to do when feeling that complacent energy. My soul inside of me just craves something more…. I don’t know if it’s cuz I am an Aries, I’ve been a single woman for the last 12.5 years, so I’m very independent, or if it’s cuz I crave adrenaline, and lately the only “excitement” I’ve been around is being a nurse in an emergency room. The ER can be an exciting place lol… Some nights I have felt that I have been traumatized and am not a normal person. Not all people understand what happens in ERs, how people act and diseases they have. The things that happen there you really can’t make up. You wont understand unless you have worked in one for at least a couple years. When I was a new grad, I was always told how nice and sweet and caring I am, which I still am and am still told that I am too nice. At about the 5 year mark I have now felt a shift in my feelings and have felt the bitterness that those seasoned nurses said I once did not have. I didn’t think I would feel that and be like them lol… so when i do feel bitter, or jaded is a better word, I just gotta remember that it’s no one’s fault and all I can control is how I feel, so I either need to change my scenery or remind myself that i never wanted to be one of those mean, jaded, hage nurses and stop it… or both… I like being an ER nurse, I truly do and find it interesting and wouldn’t be a nurse in the hospital for any other floor besides maybe surgery or labor and delivery… Maybe PEDS too… I do miss working with kids, since now I am at an Adult hospital…
As I am shifting my consciousness to be my highest self and live my life with purpose, I am evaluating the things in my life and what I am doing. It’s kinda made me a bit depressed cuz I know and want and deserve so much more than what I am doing and I feel a disconnect. Like something is invisibly keeping me in a choke hold. Perhaps this is part of life changes, maturity, finding one's purpose, not having guidance or complete direction. I don’t really know, but all I know is that if I am being choked, I either die or fight back. Obviously I don’t want to die… I have envisioned being over 100… and I am only 37.
Meditation and mindfulness… sitting still in a comfy position, listening to my breathing until I can focus, then after I can feel stillness, I can think and envision things. In order for me to do things I have to be able to see it play in my head… For example, when I was in treatment, all I had there was to think… but I was able to envision myself starting school, going back to the Chinese restaurant I worked at and basically begging for my job back, buying a car, saving money, buying my boobs, becoming a travel nurse and traveling other parts of the world. I created a plan when I was there and I made all of it happen… Then once I achieved all of it I didn’t know what else to do, so I just continued working each day, now I’ve been out of treatment for about 10 years… I am now at a point where I need to recollect what is important to me and make sure the choices I am choosing are aligning to my purpose. Some days it feels harder to do anything and I go days or weeks not doing what I want to be. I know this is just a sign telling me I need to change something up in my life. I have too many ideas in my mind then it feels overwhelming and my mind starts spinning then I usually crash and have to take a nap to feel better. So I am learning that focusing on one thing at a time and taking breaks, helps in staying more focused. I am also learning that not everything has to be perfect, I just have to do something and continue with it and it will get better. As with all things in life.
When I was re-establishing the relationship with my kids…cuz of my drug and alcohol use, my mom took them when my son was 3 and my daughter was 5…so after about 2 years, I was clean and ready to be there everyday… For the first like 3-4 years of coming back into their lives my son wouldn’t even let me look at him, they were confused and mad at me for leaving them. But I didn’t give up, even when they rejected me daily, and now we have pretty good relationships. It’s for sure not perfect, ideal, or traditional, but it works and we talk and are close. My children know I love them and they come to me for things wanting me in their lives, and that is perfect.
Anywhoo…. Complacency can be hard to get out of, especially when being in the middle of it trying to find a way out and nothing is clicking… Napping helps me wake up like it’s a new day :) I have found that journaling helps, when I don’t know what to write, I write 3 things I am grateful for… If I am not grateful for anything then I just start writing that I am not grateful, or obvious things such as my family, friends, my cat, and myself, and then I start rambling about something :) and ultimately can think a bit clearer. Sometimes I find it hard to just sit down cuz I am trying to determine if that is what I want to be doing. That’s when I take a bath and sit with my eyes closed refocusing myself… I have a lot of learning to do, but here I am today.
Love,
Jessica💗