Some days I sit… staring at the wall… Nowhere to go and nothing to do… Feels like I’m grounded… Constant screaming and bothersome noises in and around me… so not grounded. Maybe since I’m not freaking out, and I can make it thru the days feeling mostly good, I can ground myself, just feels harder some days…
This place where I live there are so many different noises. There are these loud bugs that make this sound like something electronic is flying fast and in the same spot, for hours. Air conditioners of all the neighbors, since they sit outside. Other strange sounds that I don’t know where they come from… When the noise stops my brain instantly feels like pressure has let go and I can breathe again. I know that is a sign I need to move, which I am, but this is where I am at this time. Now I wonder if I should just move to another house, or to a different city. I come from a small town in Wyoming. I left a few years ago and I enjoy being away cuz bigger cities and places obviously have more to offer, but I kinda miss being somewhere small. Don’t speed when you drive thru there, at least don’t go 5 mph over the speed limit. They pull people over lol. I don’t see people pulled over in Cali like I have in Wyoming. Just be safe :)
I wonder if I should move to another city cuz I’ve noticed that I like living in one place for 6 months to a year. I like being able to feel a place longer than a week or so…extended vacation… And I’m at like 9 months where I’m at now. I told myself I’d give it a year. I also came here with the idea to settle down for a fresh start for my son, as well as for me too, but he’s a head strong kid who loves to stand up for his friends, himself, and what he believes in. He doesn’t want to constantly move around, doesn’t want to make friends and leave. Which I get, so that’s why I took a staff position for nursing, cuz I was travel nursing. I’m just debating if where I took my staff position is the right place for us to be. My kid has been locked up basically for the last 2 years. He was out for about 3.5 months then got into trouble again. :( I also wonder if him going to any public school is what he needs, for when he gets out. I just want to give him the opportunity to be happy, have a purposeful mindset, and to be a kind loving young man. I wonder if just him and I alone is what is best, or being where our family is in the small town he keeps getting into trouble is. I know deep in my heart going back there is setting him up for failure. I can’t do that.
So, hopefully he can come to accept him and I being alone in a place he doesn’t know. Then I question myself wondering if I am making the right choices. I do miss my family. Then I remember how my kid has met all these kids being locked up and he wants to run around and hang out with all them when he gets out. Which I know that’s just gonna keep him in trouble. At least living somewhere new, he doesn’t know anyone and he won't be as watched and followed around in school by teachers. And probation won't be in our lives. We’ve tried two years in a row for him to go back to school and shit happens. Really since he started being around other kids in daycare, but mostly once he started kindergarten. Daycare lady would say he is so loud. lol. In elementary they said he has ADHD. He had to be in the sped room cuz he caused distractions in the classroom. He would get the school put on lockdown cuz he would run out of the class and hide. Him and another kid were in the library and wanted the same book, the other kid got it and he knocked over the bookcases, he would throw chairs and desks in the classrooms. We tried meds, it would help for a bit when he would take it, then he would refuse to take it cuz of how it made him feel, not able to eat, and he hated swallowing them or sprinkling them on food. But as he gets older, cops get involved, things he does are more serious and dangerous. He turned 13 in jail, then to the boys school. He has become more humble, since that first trip to this school. But he had to go back there. He will turn 15 in there. I don’t want him to get used to being locked up… He likes the structure and discipline it provides, and living with a bunch of kids that he feels that he relates to. That scares me for his future. It's already been 2 years, he is used to it.
He tells me he is gonna run away if I don’t go back to Wyoming. Do I give into his threats and do what he wants? No, I don't think so. But I also don’t want to test him, cuz if he is telling me this, he most likely will. It’s why he’s been locked up so long, he keeps running away. It’s like he is craving/missing something in his life and it makes him go crazy and he doesn't know how to channel his energy in a meaningful purposeful way. He gets mad at me when I talk to him about energy and says he doesn't believe in that, plus he’s been gone for so long, I don’t get to talk to him much to teach him little things each day. But soon he will be here:) I just hope he can be ok with being here with me in a new place, and allow me to be his mom. I hope I can make the choices to give him/us a life that is abundant of love, freedom, peace, happiness, success, passion, to live in his highest consciousness on a path that he is safe and disciplined. All I know is that I have sucked at controlling my energy with intention passionately enough, and have not fully been in my divine feminine form, and this prob has affected him. On days I work, I feel my energy is sucked away and it takes days to feel better, then once I start coming back to myself, I have to go back there, and this starts all over. So, it's either change or realign and remember my mindset about how I feel of my job, and the purpose it provides me, or find something else if it is no longer aligning to my life purpose and my family's needs.
I should not even write this of my kid. It’s personal and no one's business. But my energy feels of writing it, and this of mental health. I think part of me working on my mental health is doing this… not really sure what I’m doing, but this is it… I know there are other parents who are experiencing this. Maybe you just need to read this… lol IDK. I kinda feel better writing it. Our kids will make their own choices, just as we all do, and our choices affect our kids. Our kids' choices also affect us. I think of parents of adult children who had to cut off their kids because when their kids became adults they lived a life of drugs crime and violence. I don’t want that. I don’t think I'll ever just cut my kids outta my life, but there is that line where it becomes enabling, which seems worse. Maybe I’m wishing for a ship of pirate monks to sail the world with and help me teach my son to be a man. 🤭💗
I just gotta remind myself that I can’t get mad or thrown all outta sorts when things are out of my control. My kids' behavior and choices are not fully in my control, but it does affect me, just as the choices I have made affect him. I just have to remember what is important to me and attempt each day to make choices that are aligned to what I want in this life, even tho some days I don’t know what that is.
Days like today when I don’t have it in me to leave my house or to talk to anyone, I might just sit there listening to music with my eyes closed breathing, trying to drown out the noises from both the inside and outside, and that is ok… but I eventually got to get up and create some plan…or just flow with my energy, or a mixture of both :) good day to you…💗😘