Purpose…having a knowing of what one's path is? And living each day for that? I am thinking that while starting this chapter of my life, defining my purpose, will help in changing the course of my direction, help in assessing the choices I am making, and help me grow and stay aligned to my divine maturing self. Maybe this is what they call the “the path to enlightenment” is… haha 💜
How are we to know what my path is when we don’t know? Just as how are we to start some kind of new job when we have no experience, and everywhere requires experience?
I have been having a difficult time focusing, thinking, and just being lately. I have started writing these and sharing them to help myself learn to be a better human, connect with those on the same energy wave, and I feel writing something and sharing to the world once a week, at least, will help in my creative mind, to help me stay disciplined and focused on something that brings words and ideas into my mind, and potentially find a mentor that is meant for me. :)
I heard the other day that people learn better from others that are 3-6 ish years ahead of them. They are closer to their same path versus someone 20 years ahead. Don’t get me wrong, I think you can still have so much to learn from someone that is 20 + years ahead. Learning from someone that is not too far off, provides more closer to heart experiences cuz the other person has experienced what they have closer to their same timeline.
I don’t follow a religion, I was baptized Mormon when I was 8. I stopped going to the church when I was a teenager. I never actually felt comfortable when I went. Most of the time I only went to sacrament. But I still went to the classes they have after and activities they did sometimes. Since I've been an adult, I have just believed in a higher power, that there is something greater than us all. That I am my own spirit and protected by my highest self in the heavens who watches over me. I believe that we are made of energy, as is the universe, and we all flow as we spin on this Earth. The choices we make as we follow our energy, or as we go against our energy, is what leads us to the direction of our own poem and dance. I believe that there is not one true religion, I believe that we are all uniquely created for this Earth, which creates different beliefs. If we all did the same thing and thought the same way this would be such an ugly world. But it is not, it is beautiful ❤️
I was taking care of this older man, late 80s. He was a patient who wanted to talk, was demanding, and said obscure words lol. The nurse I took over for said she had problems with him. He was fine with me :) I found him to be the sweetest, more interesting patient to talk to, and I listened to him, which is why we probably got along better. But he told me to find ones purpose, think back to your childhood, and go thru your life experiences and the feelings you felt, and see what sticks out the most and resonates with your soul best, choose those moments and then create something in your life that aligns with whatever that is.
There are obviously happy and sad memories in everyone’s lives, so thinking and feeling of the past brings lots of emotions. :) However, if we can do this in a healthy manner, with a mindset that is doing this with intention, such as to better our lives and to find purpose and meaning, it can be more productive. Versus getting lost in the emotion for too long, or going off and getting really drunk or high and making bad choices that causes us to go the opposite way of “seeking the path of enlightenment”, or to live life with what we envision.
I think it is also ok to say no to things and people that don’t align with our vision, purpose, path, or that fuck up our energy. Sometimes I have to say no to my best friends when I’m feeling a certain happy high vibe cuz she can be so negative about everything and everyone. lol cuz when I feel so high lol and when I go to the negative, it kills it. Sometimes I can control my energy and not let it get to me, but other times I can’t. Other times I can feel my vibe when it's in a lower vibration, and I try not to go out to let it out to the world, so I stay in. Hmmm… I think I've been stuck in a lower vibration cuz I haven’t been going anywhere besides work and the grocery store. Now I just gotta find ways to uplift my spirit to get back onto the path of my higher vibe so I can leave my house and find people to engage with and create memories with. lol 😝
Looking back thru my past to find my purpose, which I am still unsure of at this time, it makes me think about the reasons I behave a certain way, seem to come from something that happened. I didn’t know that doing or feeling a certain type of way because of things that were said to me or about me, things that happen, or the choices I made would be placed into my super subconsciousness creating the life around me. I started smoking weed everyday at 14 and doing meth at 16, and sent away turning 17 in a girls school. When I turned 18 I moved away to live with the man of my children, who I was with before I got sent away; and was in this relationship til I was 24, that was filled with rage and toxicity. Then I started meth again a few months after turning 24, and my hook up was my boyfriend. I would do a gram of meth to myself everyday for like a year. Then thankfully I was arrested. After I got out of jail a few months later, I was not able to be a part of my kids lives, I had broken all trust. Thankfully I have amazing parents who, when I called my mom one day confessing my drug use and couldn’t take care of my kids anymore, she was at my doorstep in less than 5 mins. After being arrested, I was on probation, not able to see my kids, so I drank a lot everyday until I kept failing my pee tests, they put me into inpatient treatment for 9 months. Before I was released I was able to start college classes. I felt determined to become a nurse. I knew deep in my heart that despite my past, which does not define who I am, that I could do this and be successful. Sooo I started my prerequisites, stuck with it, and now Ive been a nurse for 5 years. I want to say nursing helps to keep me on a happy healthy path, but really it was a mindset change that happened to me while I was in TC, (Therapeutic Community, the rehab). I was exposed to cognitive behavior thinking therapy and it made me think of what thoughts I put into my mind ultimately creates my destiny. I graduated from there in 2014. Been clean from meth since June 21, 2012. I am no longer that person I once was, nor will I ever be. Being an ER nurse, I see lots of people who are on meth, and I am so thankful I was arrested and forced to stop. 🛑 There is a lot of undoing of thinking I have had to do, still have to do, but I have progressively gotten to point where I feel healed by a lot of things already. It’s like it happened overnight, but not really, it's taken years. I was able to change my thinking and path during and after TC but was not healed… It’s taken time, persistence, giving things up, and dedicating myself to what is important, even if it hurts. For me, rebuilding the relationship with my kids is what I wanted more than anything. It took time for my kids to be ok with me coming back into their lives. They still give me hell cuz it hurts them deeply, and it's been 10 years since I’ve been out of TC. For like 3 years my son wouldn’t even let me look at him… it was hard, but I knew I couldn’t give up cuz they are my world. My daughter holds everything inside and just shows happiness or acts like nothing bothers her, but I know that it does. She is such a strong, amazing young lady and I am so proud of her and who she is becoming :) But I consistently was/am there for and with them, our relationships are open, comfortable, and filled with love. It’s definitely not perfect, but I know that both of my children will/do come to me and tell me things, and include me in their lives, and nothing could give me greater joy in this world than knowing that :)
So if you know me, and have googled my name, you will see my possession of meth charge as well as my shoplifting and possession of marijuana charges. Yes that is my past, it has made me who i am today, and has provided me with the ability to be more compassionate, and able to see the beauty and different aspects in the world. So just know that the meth charge changed my life. lol 😂 Sometimes the energy of the world feels overwhelming, so I keep myself hidden. Maybe that’s part of why I am choosing to share this. Not that I want to be exposed, but I feel how am I supposed to have new experiences when I don’t know anyone and only go to the grocery store or a hospital in which I currently work? I feel sharing this, may help other people with conscious thinking, their mental health, or it may just entertain you 🤷♀️ Either way, i have written enough for now. ✌️
Okay, storytime is over :)
To help in finding purpose and vision ask yourself:
Purpose… Who or where do I think I can add value to? How do I want to add value?
Vision… What industry am I in or interested in being in? What are my ideas for changing or adding to the industry for the better? What role would I play in implementing these ideas?
I am not going to answer those questions here, but I want to share some questions I am currently thinking of. Maybe you are also thinking of something similar.
Anywhoo… Perhaps you’ll read again next week:)
Love,
Jessica 💗