Hello:)
I am Jessica:)
I’ve read a few times that when starting new things, or even beginning each new day, setting intention helps to be more productive, in being more confident and structured in the plan, and successful… with consistent practice…great things will come… So… :) …I am creating this with the intention to help myself find new people in this world, share what’s inside my head, while helping myself process what is in there, to think better, while potentially entertaining or helping whoever chooses to read this, enhancing my writing skills, and to make some money :) As money is a tool in this world and freedom is the goal. Each time I post a writing, it will be based on that day's intention of what I want to share, or what my energy directs me towards.
Today I shall introduce myself and place my initial intentions for this writing of mine:)
I don’t really talk a lot, so we’ll see how this goes :) At the same time, I can’t stop talking. Guess it depends on how comfortable I feel and my mood. When I was going to college, in my English class we wrote many papers, which I enjoyed. My professor would tell me to calm down my Jessicaisms for certain topics cuz I would get too carried away. lol. When he knew I was going to school for nursing, he looked at me and I got the feeling like he thought I could do something greater, not that nursing isn’t “grand” lol, but something else.
When I went to rehab for 9 months, we had to write papers to progress thru the program, to graduate and be free again. We would have to have someone proofread it, fix the corrections, read it in front of like 50 people, then be questioned and commented on by the group. Towards the end, my writing had become better and more emotional. I remember one of my last papers was on shame, and it felt so powerful and impassioned as I read it in front of everyone, as I cried while reading it. It was several pages long. There was this new girl there, and as she gave her input, she felt so “moved” ha.
Then in nursing school, we wrote papers… and I haven’t really written much since. I graduated 5 years ago now. I’ve recently started journaling again, and it has made me feel that I enjoy writing. Not sure if anyone else likes it or gives a fuck, but that really doesn’t matter.
For this is to be an outlet for me. I think we need several different “outlets” in life. Allowing our bodies and minds to do something in order to release what is inside of us. From moving our bodies in rhythm of breathing, dance, all forms of fitness, sex, meditation, video games, drawing, writing, whatever we can focus on to release what builds up inside. I often have a hard time focusing, so I build up what’s inside and then sometimes I explode. I seem to need more than one “outlet” in my life, I get bored easily and feel like I can’t do something some days as I can others. Sometimes I feel I can’t do any of them and I just have to lay there and watch TV.
I am beginning to learn in life that what I place my focus and thoughts on, with intention makes me feel more purposeful. Is that what life is? Finding your purpose? So it makes sense that, to live with intention, is living in your purpose. Ha. Just made sense to me in my head, as I ask it while I type, the answer comes to me. lol.
My problem is holding myself accountable. I begin something, do it for a while, then it fades a bit away, then I cycle thru doing other things, and usually what I once did comes back to me. Like with different types of fitness, sometimes I run, or do yoga, lift weights, do HIIT exercises, or dance, or sometimes if I feel my body needs to, I take a break, but remain consciously aware of movements and health. I added fitness into my life, after my last kid was born 14 years ago, and I feel that cycling thru different types of fitness structures has structured my body pretty good :) lol… My body is not perfect, prob because I lack the consistency of doing one thing really good, I’m all over the place. But it's my body and it's best just to love it:)
I can be very emotional, and sometimes I can appear to have no emotion. It’s cuz I just hold it in, not really sure right now why, maybe it's cuz something feels unknown to me. I’ve noticed that I usually have to understand whatever the unknown is just a bit until I feel comfortable. Whether that’s the intentions or just a glimpse into what their being is. Just as I can be so quiet, I can be just as loud. I laugh a lot, even in serious moments when it's not funny. It pisses my daughter off so bad. I don’t mean harm, it's like an uncontrollable thing inside me. Something, I’m working on to improve for our relationship. As all relationships need building and working together to grow and be of greater peace, love, and respect, if you want it to be of better harmony and to keep the relationship.
Rosez r Red is what I am creating as my poem. Z is until the end. And a bit gangster lol Life is a song, dance, and poem. My middle name is Rose, name of many of my grandmothers thru the generations. And I am like a kid and always will be, even when I’m 100. I like the little r, reminds me of Toys r Us, and makes me giggle cuz it's kinda silly. But Rosez r Red to me has a more deeper, passionate, mystery vibe to it with a touch of happy memories. Even though roses are red is so common, that makes it all the better as being a bit simple can touch more hearts. :)
Blog is such a funny name, sounds like the name of a monster who jumps outta a creepy lake who screams “Bloooggg” as he chases after you. But I suppose that this is what these writings are called, blogs. I’m not a person who spends a lot of time online, I don’t really engage in social media much, I talk to a few people, like posts that i find interesting, and I create some videos for fun, but I never have placed any intention on it. I’m at a point in life where I need a change, I feel like I don’t really know how to place true intentions on things when I feel unsure of exactly what I want, or what it is I have been placed on this Earth to do. So, my “blog” will probably be like the big scary monster who jumps out of a frightening lake. Haha. So, my apologies if it appears I don’t seem to know what I'm doing, or if I appear rude, I can sometimes hold in my smile and I look mad, I’m really not, I’m probably giggling inside my head. I’ve been told I seem innocent, which I am:) lol. I can be gullible, like I really thought the pretend raptor at Universal Studios was real, and this was only a couple years ago… :)
I pay attention to people’s behaviors, and I love to see the patterns and colors of what and how they are wearing. So if you see me walking around and looking at you I am just admiring you. That is what I occupy in my mind sometimes when I am walking thru big crowds. Looking at your unique styles helps me keep a hold of my energy while walking thru so many others. I am not judging you, I find beauty in you. Sometimes it is hard to be around so much of other people's energy in big crowds, and I feel so scrambled and chaotic that I have to leave. Focusing on something helps:) Just like in balancing poses, finding a focal point to look at in front of you helps balance and breathe for a longer time. Lately I feel the scrambled energy when I go to events by myself. I used to be able to go by myself and it would be great (Doesn’t mean I’m going to stop going by myself if I don’t have someone to go with me). The energy is different and I feel suffocated when going (So I guess I like to make myself suffocate. Ha…kidding). I like going to events by myself, I enjoy the freedom of being able to move around without worrying if it annoys the other person. Maybe I’m the annoyance running around and that’s why I feel that suffocating energy, cuz mine is bothering everyone else. lol My apologies :) Maybe I just haven’t found my person to go to events with yet. Maybe my energy and vibe needs to be worked on for when I enter the public? Idk, I just go as I feel and follow my energy, but this is me :) I've been single far too long that I’m very independent and have become very comfortable within myself and my own space. It may seem that I have walls built up around me, and that is mostly true. It sometimes takes beating the wall down over and over to get thru to me, but I’m actually very easy and simple:)
Anyways, that shall be all for this for now, and I hope that you who are reading this, that you have a lovely day:) And, welcome to this of me writing, figuring things out, and sharing to the world :) It may be pretty boring… but I’ve never really cared… (I actually truly care about everything, because everything is important… I just don’t care if you hate this lol). Perhaps if I wrote this as in laws of attraction, instead of saying, I don’t care if you hate this; it would be better written as, For those that love me and reading my writing, thank you for being here :)
Love always,
Jessica